Wolverine, Wut R U Doing, Wolverine, Stahp!

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The Wolverine was an action packed, thrill a minute film which gave us the all the hack and slash fight sequences we’ve come to know from a Wolverine movie. With that said, I would like to inform you that this film was so incredibly boring. Here is the basic plot: Wolverine is wandering, he meets a girl, girl introduces him to a mutant expert, girl is put in danger, wolverine must protect girl, wolverine fails, now he has to save her. Hmm wasn’t that the plot of X-men 1 and X-men Origins: Wolverine?! It’s a template with this guy. I felt no overarching sense of danger, I knew Wolverine would succeed and the movie just didn’t have me on the edge of my seat.

Don’t get me wrong, it was no “Howard the Duck,” it’s just that… I’ve already seen it before. This movie seemed to promise new ideas, the trailers showed that he was going to lose his healing factor and that he would fight ninjas, but both promises fell flat. When he did lose his healing factor early in the film, he started taking more bullets then gun range. After being shot 7 or 8 times in vital parts of the body (one of those being a shot gun to the gut), he was still traipsing about like a homecoming queen at a school dance. I know Wolverine is a Bad-A, but at some point someone on the writing staff should have said, “OK, he got enough lead in him to start a pencil factory. Don’t you think he should maybe start limping, at least?” Eventually after crossing the country of Japan Wolverine does succumb to his injuries and must (very cliché-ly) be operated on by veterinary student. But still He should have been long dead after the second shot to the gut.

As for the ninjas, those were just as disappointing. Through most of the movie Wolverine is fighting Yakuza agents. They really only offer you your basic punchy punch, stabby stab brawling.There is kind of cool sequence on top of a bullet train, but it is short lived and finishes in a way meant to be comedic, but ends up falling flat. So when the ninjas do show up their loyalties seem to sway like a plastic bag on the wind. In one scene they’re good guys, in the next they’re all shooting Wolverine with arrows. Plus they only fight Wolverine for about thirty seconds, to which they give up and start trying to hold him back by firing arrows (attached to ropes) into his back and pulling on them. Also the whole ninja defending the silver samurai thing confuses me. Weren’t ninjas like the 99% of ancient Japan and the Samurai were like the rich aristocrats that they were fighting against? Why on earth would they have been defending this family of Samurais for hundreds of years?

In the end I felt that this movie was just another lazy attempt to make Wolverine cool again. Wolverine is a great character, and Huge Jackedman plays him perfectly. He’s gruff and mean, but has a heart; he is really good in a team, but he is very hard to create separate stories for. He makes for very flat plots. This whole film felt like an attempt to flesh more emotion from the character, but after Origins they should have learned that good drama this character does not make.  The movie was filled with cheap gimmicks and twists which were frankly so unimaginative it felt like M. Night Shyamalan came up with them. If you’re looking for a movie to see this weekend there are several far better options than this, unless you’ve seen them all. If that’s the case, go pick up a good book, because like I said it wasn’t some horrible film from the depths of Zach Snyder’s darkest recesses, it’s just not worth $15 for the ticket. Well, Maybe the post credits sequence was. *wink*

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One thought on “Wolverine, Wut R U Doing, Wolverine, Stahp!

  1. Although I haven’t seen the movie, this is a nice review. Probably will see it eventually. Hostoric note: Ninjas were not Japan’s 99%, they were part of the 1%. Ninjas belonged to very secretive clans that were hired by Daimyo (warlords) much more often than they were hired by Samurai (knights working for the warlord). They were well paid (doubt they had a problem collecting!) and lived well, if simply. So with respect to your statements regarding their role in the film, i.e. protecting a VIP, that is fairly accurate with the role they played in history. Haven’t found any records of a ninja vs Wolverine battle though 😉

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